Son: father can you make your signature in the dark?
Father:yes. but where is the need to do so?
son: I need your signature on my report card.

Contributed by Tuhshar
Mother:have you kept the sweets safe from kids.
servant:yes mam. after 2 hours
mother:where are the sweets.guests are just going to arrive.have you kept them safely or not and quickly tell me where.
servant:yes mam.in my stomach.

Contributed by Tuhshar
Q:There were 8 copycats monkeys 1 jumped how many left .
A: None because they were copy cats.

Contributed by vinita
Amit: sir you always punish us for our wrongdoings. so would you be angry at something i did'nt do?
Teacher: offcoarse not.
Amit:I did'nt do my homework.

Contributed by Rohit
If an elephant sits on your fence , what time is it ?
time to build a new fence.
A dog is standing in the middle of the road. to the left pf the dog , there is a building . to the right of the dog there is a tree and in front of the dog there is a playground . what is behind the dog ?
it's tail.
what has four legs , is grey in colour and has a trunk?
a mouse going on a holiday

Contributed by Amritaneel
once jakie chan and shivaji had a fight. shivaji told"jackie tula mahit nahi amhi marathe aahat" jackie replied"tumhi marathe amhi karate"

Contributed by Vignesh
Mother:son,get up. you are getting late for school.
son:mom,i am very tired.
mother:what? you have slept for over 9 hrs and you say you are tired.
son: I just ran a 400m relay in my dream no wonder i am tired.

Contributed by Pradeep
Q:what did the two big chimneys say to the little chimney?
A:."you are too small to smoke !

Contribute by leo
Patient: Doctor, everytime i drink a cup of coffee i get a sharp pain in my eye. what should i do?
Doctor: just take the spoon out of your cup.

Contributed by Neha
   
Once a husband and a wife were sitting in their small house and were talking. Then the husband told the wife,"everyone who doesn't obey the law and does robbery should get a punishment and should suffer!" So the wife said,"Ya, because last year I robbed your heart away, I'm suffering living in this small house".
                                     Contributed by Sindhu
Husband: Today I made a policy of Rs.20,00,00.00, in my absence you will not have to face any trouble.
Wife : That's good. Now ,when you will be sick there would not be any need to call a doctor.

                       Contributed by Neha Puja
   

History of India
The land of sorrows, beautiful things who borrows, is none other then my motherland India, I am proud to be her daughter, and hate those slaughterers, who want to make us prisoners and mere listeners. Come and promise yourself, not to keep the history of India, in a common bookshelf, being an Indian, try to maintain unity between yourself.

                             Contributed by Garima Gupta

The owl and the pussy cat
The owl and the Pussy cat went to sea in a wonderful peagreen boat they took some honey, and plenty of money rapped up in a five pound note. The owl looked up to the stars above, and sang to a small guitar, 'o lovely pussy, o pussy, my love, what a beatiful pussy you are'! Pussy said to the owl'you elegant owl, how charmingly sweet you sing! oh! let us get married; too long we have tarried: but what shall we do for a ring?' They sailed away, for a year and a day, to the land where the bong-tree grows; and there in a wood a piggy-wig stood, with a ring at the end of his nose. 'Dear pig are you willing to sell for one shilling your ring?' said the piggy 'I will.' So they took it away and were married next day by the turkey who lives on the hill. They dined on mince and slices of quince, which they ate with a runcible spoon; and hand in hand on the edge of the sand, they danced by the light of the moon.

                         Contributed by Kunal Manelkar

   

Cricket is fun, when Sachin hits a run and when Ganguly is caught, then he gets into thought. When Sodhi is run out, he is chucked out.
When Harbajan gets bold, he gets a strong cold. When the runs get dimnished, the game is finished

                                       Contributed by Aband
Smile when you are sad and feeling very bad Someone gives you a smile how do you feel for a while?
You think the whole world is against you, but there is someone who really cares for you;
If not there is the sweet little smile that will be your compaign throughout your life.
When the sky is dark and sadly sings the lark someone smiles at you doesn't the sky turn from black to blue?
                                
                                  Contributed by Anisha
   

Once a man was travelling in a bus just as the conductor came
Conductor-Ticket please
Man -I have no ticket
Conductor- Please tell me where are you going? Man-I am going to the place where Lord Ram was born
Conductor- Come with me
Man-Where are you taking me?
Conductor-I am taking you to the place where Lord Krishna was born.
Contributed by Sumedha
Eyes are two in number. They look beautiful when a slumber. The depth of these eyes disclose, everything in the heart that lies. Eyes are windows that shine through, for all the world to see into, and to read the trust, the joy and the hope. And for every other secret that they hold.
Contributed by Sarika
   

Friendship is a priceless gift that cannot be sold or bought but its value is far greater than a mountain made of gold.For gold is cold lifeless, it can neither see nor hear, and in times of trouble it is powerless to cheer. It has no ears to listen, no heart to understand it cannot bring you comfort on reach out a helping hand so when you ask God for gift be thankful that he sends not diamonds ,pearls or riches, but the love of real friend.
Contributed by S Mehta
Fame & Friendship
Fame is a food that dead men eat
I have no stomach for such food.
In a little light & narrow room, they eat it in the silent tomb, with no kind of voice of comrade near to bid the feaster be of cheer. But friendship is a nobler thing.
Of friendship it is good to sing.
For truly, when a man shall end, he lives in the memory of his friend, who does his better part recall and of his fault make funeral.
contributed by Renu
   
Say cheese .....
Every time you meet someone, just flash a pearly smile, it's a lovely ,bright new day! So, smile and smile, the whole day through, and everyone around, will grow to liking you. It only takes a simple smile, to light up someone's little world, or just to feel warm deep inside, so, remember, don't forget to smile today.

                                  Contributed by Rutvan sheth
Kindness .....
kindness is a language which deaf can hear and blind can see.
There's never a wrong time to do the right thing.
In a bitter world, a drop of true love is like an ocean in the desert.
Your only insurance against tomorrow is what you do today.

                      Contributed by Rutvan Sheth
 

Once a student visits Vaishno Devi, after coming back when he goes to his class, the teacher asks,"Do you know the spelling of joker. He speaks in very low voice, then teacher says "Jor se bolo",he speaks "Jai mata di".

                              Contributed by Rahul Singhal

In a party a lady meets a moron & finds him interesting. Lady: Could I have your phone number please. Moron: It is there in the telephone directory. Lady: What is your name sir. Moron: That is also there in the directory.

Contribiuted by Akshay Mohan
   
"About Friendship"
True friendship is a plant of slow growth, and must undergo and withstand the shocks of adversity before it is entitled to the appellation. thus nature has no love for solitude, and always leans, as it were, on some support; and the sweetest support is found in the most intimate friendship.

Contributed by Govind

A tree
Near my house there is a tree that gives fruits but takes no fee. The fruits are sweet, I like its lovely treats. The tree keeps the air fresh, and takes care of our health. It has some flowers that shine like stars. The leaves are green, and helps us to keep our surroundings clean. There are some nests that I like the best I always sing a song, may this tree live long.

Contributed by Charneet Chopra

   

(A traffic police man to a scooterist, at night) Police: Why don't you switch on the head light? Boy: There is light every where, so many street lights so why head lights?
(Then the police man takes off the air from the tyres and says): All around us there is air, so what is the need for air in the tyres.

                                 Contributed by Amritraj

One day three ladies were talking about their husbands with each other.
The first lady: You know my husband's memory is so bad that if I tell him to bring vegetables he will bring bread.
Second lady: My husband's memory is so bad that he will go to neighbour's house thinking that it is his house.
Third lady: My husband's memory is so poor that if he takes umbrella with him and comes back home , he will throw the umbrella on the bed and will hang himself where the it has to be hung.
                                   Contributed by Swati
   

Poem: Rainy day
It was a rainy day, in the month of May. It was dusk time, when I was having my dinner with lime. Suddenly it shook our cable, and the things fell from our table. I was nearly scared, at that time my mother cared. Then the rain stopped, I saw it from the top. So this was a rainy day, in the month of May.
                         
                  Contributed by Beeta
A tree near my house
There is a tree that gives fruits but takes no fee. The fruits are sweet, I like its lovely treats. The tree keeps the air fresh, and takes care of our health. It has some flowers that shine like stars. The leaves are green, and they help us to keep our surroundings clean. There are some nests that I like the best. I always sing a song may this tree live long.

                      Contributed by Charneet Chopra
   
 
   
A teacher was taking his class children around a zoo. Coming across a leopard he said, "The leopard belongs to the cat family." A guard at the zoo heard this comment and intervened, "No sir you are mistaken. All the animals here do not belong to any family, they belong to the zoo only."

                                   Contributed by Ravish Kalra
Once a scientists wanted to discover something about cockroach . He took one cockroach and and cut his first leg. He clapped and the cochroach walked, then he cut his 2nd and 3rd leg and clapped again, the cockroch again walked. The scientist then cut his 4th and 5th leg and clapped, the cockroach again walked. So the scientist cut his 6th leg and kept waiting for the cockroach to move but it does not move for half an hour. So the scientists concluded " After cutting the 6th leg the cockroach becomes deaf "

                                Contributed by Isha Gupta
 
Sweet dreams, sweet dreams do I have when I go to sleep with Mickey Mouse and Donald Duck. I play in my sleep, Mickey is very nice, Donald is very mean who never tells a story to me during my nice sleep. Scrooge is Donald's uncle who only thinks of money, I don't like him very much but I like Hewey, Dewey and Lewey.

                                                                                             Contributed by Soumyabrata
My mother is very sweet, and doesn't like meat. She comes with me for a walk, and also likes to talk.When she becomes sick, I am very very quick.She has many nightmares, and she has taken care. She gives me money, to buy books funny. She comes in my dreams, and buys me ice-creams. Her hands are very cold, she likes to wear gold. I love my mommy because she has done so much for me.
                                         
                                  Contributed by Abubhan
 
No pain, no gain. Real achievement in life is possible only through hard work. There is no shortcut for success. The lives of great men like Gandhi prove this fact. While doing our work there may be ups and downs. Behind every great task there has seldom been a smooth path. Failure should not discourage us. At the same time successes should not be allowed to slow down our mission.

                              Contributed by V.R.balaji
Once an old man was sitting in the park, reading a book "Learn C++ in 21 days". A passerby saw him and asked, "You are such an old guy, why do you bother to learn C++?" "I have heard that now the communication language in heaven is C++ only, so after my death when I will be in heaven, I don't want to face communication problems." the old man replied. "But how come you are so sure that you will be in heaven? It could be hell also." he asked. "Ya, doesn't matter... I already know Java".

                                                                                          Contributed by Pankaj Gupta
 
 
Once, my class had gone to a museum to see some old boring pictures. Then the teacher said that each boy should pick up one of his favourite photos. So as I was feeling bored of the boring pictures and wanted to leave, I picked up the 'Exit' sign...

Contributed by Arsh Merchant
Once a little girl about 3 years old went to a garden and saw a pregnant lady. At first she was shocked and then she went to that lady and asked her what it was. The lady replied, "This is my baby and I love it very much". The girl then said with a confused face "If you loved your baby so much then why did you eat it up!!!!!!!!!!"

                        Contributed by Saem Ishtiaque
 
Spare a thought. God has given life as a gift to you, which is filled with happiness and sadness too. Some are poor while others are rich, but bring equality is what you have to do, and to make some dreams of the poor came true. Think how difficult it is to be poor, how awful it is to live without food, imagine the sorrow that lies in begging, and if you have a will to do good in any way, then do not hesitate, cause where there is a will, there is a way.

                                  Contributed by atik_2001
   
One night a thief got caught. It was cold. The thief told the policeman "Sir! There is my house, just let me go for a minute, I will bring my shawl, it is very cold and you have your sweater on". The policeman replied "Oh! Fantastic, I let you go and you fly away. No way! I am going to your house to bring the shawl."

              Contributed by Sampurna Chakrabarti
Army man-"For 20 yrs. my wife and I were very happy. Subordinate-"Then what happened?" Army man-"We met."

                                 Contributed by Pallavi

   

Poem: Zoo Manners
Be careful what you say or do
When you visit the animals at the zoo
 Don't make fun of the camel's hump
He is very proud of his noble bump
Don't laugh too much at the chimpanzee
He thinks he's wise as you or me
And the penguins strutting round the lake
Can understand remarks you make
Treat them as well as they treat you
 And you'll always be welcome at the zoo...
                                       
                                   Contributed by Aditya Gaddh

Life is maths. Friends are to be added, enemies are to be subtracted, sorrows are to be divided and happiness is to be multiplied.

                              Contributed by Payal Arora
   
"My wife's going deaf", the elderly man says to his doctor." I don't know what to do about it." "Go home, find out at what distance she can't hear and let me know," the doctor replies. The man gets home, opens the front door and calls, "Hi! Darling, I'm home. What's for dinner?" there is no response. So he walks down the hall and repeats the question. Again there is no answer. He stands at the kitchen door and asks again, "What's for dinner?" still no reply. He then goes up behind his wife, puts his arms around her and says," I! Darling, what's for dinner?" she turns to him and says," For the fourth and last time you deaf old coot, "Chicken."

                              Contributed by Rohit Munjal

Once a teacher asked her student "Did you do any good work today". The student answered "Yes". Teacher - "What was that?" Student -" My two friends and I helped an old lady to cross the road." Teacher -" But this work you could do on your own." Student - Yes, I could do this work alone but the problem was this that the lady did not want to cross the road."

                         Contributed by Anubha Gupta
   

Friendship-a Poem

Friendship is love, peace and unity. Friendship is a thing which u can make with anybody. Friendship is sharing, caring and everything. Friendship is the highest thing. Friends are very precious; they fight, play and care for u. sometimes your friends hurt your feelings and sometimes you hurt theirs. Then u think about those nice things, which your friend has done for u and then u go back to your friend, this is called friendship.

Contributed by Umang Popli


Two boys were talking. First boy-"My 80 year old grandfather gets up early morning to jog 8km." Second boy-"That's great! What does he do in the afternoon? First boy-"The last kilometre."
Contributed by Kunal
   
Universal message: This goes to all young minds on netfundu. Since we r the future generation lets not waste water. Pls don't leave the taps open while brushing ur teeth because if u do, approximately 20 litres of water is wasted.

                              Contributed by Rishi Lalwani
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